


Not Ready Yet, Never Will Be

by tetskuroo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Character, Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Healthy Polyamorous Relationship, Keiji and Koutarou had been together and then Tetsurou joined the relationship, Kisses, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Multi, They all love each other and work hard to be happy, it doesn't make an appearance but it is there, they have a cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 22:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10908531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tetskuroo/pseuds/tetskuroo
Summary: Tetsurou is unsure about himself, but his boyfriends help him figure it all out.





	Not Ready Yet, Never Will Be

**Author's Note:**

> Yooooo guess who is finally back from the dead and finally wrote something?? It's me. I literally spent like, two weeks writing this, and I think it is pretty good after so many months of no inspiration, but it might be shitty, what do I know lol. 
> 
> Anyways, I always make these boys suffer how I do, so have asexual Kuroo to portray how I feel as an asexual human.
> 
> I hope you guys like this <33

It wasn’t weird to either of them that Tetsurou hadn’t done anything sexual with them yet; after joining in on Koutarou’s and Keiji’s relationship over ten months ago, they were still trying to get into the swing of things. Sleeping together was sometimes still far too awkward, all three of them getting a little too warm in the small bed, and Koutarou always wanted both of them to be in the bathroom with him while he was getting ready, which was fine but there just wasn’t enough room for all three of the grown men to be in there at once, and don’t even get Keiji started on the lack of space on the couch for all three of them. They all had different tastes in food, so making dinner was always annoying, and when they could all agree on something it was a hassle to get anyone but Koutarou to cook, which was just unfair - just because he was the only decent cook doesn’t mean he should be the only one to do it. They had too many pairs of shoes for the entry of their small apartment to fit neatly, and Keiji had never wanted a cat, but how was he supposed to say no to those faces?

In the end, it was awfully complicated for them to get into a routine, a way of doing things and not getting into each other’s ways but also spending time together, but they had done it, and even the knee in his back at night and Tetsurou’s burnt food and the mound of shoes at their front door started to feel kind of like home to Keiji.  
After a few months, everything was perfect. Kissing wasn’t awkward anymore, and making out while one of the other three was out was okay, and Koutarou finally didn’t feel bad for grabbing his best bro’s ass. It was all fine and dandy, really, until one day Koutarou came to Keiji with a look on his face that showed he was close to crying. Keiji was immediately frustrated. Koutarou didn’t cry on his downswings, he always just looked emotionless, expressionless. This was a sad mood done by someone, and Keiji wasn’t okay with anybody making Koutarou cry ever.

Keiji shut his book and set it on the arm of the couch. “Kou babe, what’s wrong?” he asked quietly, moving his right arm out so Koutarou knew he could come sit under it. He did so, curling himself up like a child, and gripping Keiji’s sweater like a lifeline.

“I think Tetsu isn’t attracted to me. Not in any other way but a bro way.”

And yeah, it sounded stupid, but Koutarou was sad and Keiji couldn’t let him stay that way. “And why do you think that, Kou? Did he tell you he wasn’t attracted to you?”

“No! But every time I go to grab his butt or take our makeout sessions any further he pulls away and says he’s not really in the mood right now. And I respect it if he isn’t ready, but why doesn’t he just say that, Keiji?! Why doesn’t he just say he isn’t ready instead of making excuses? He’s told you he wasn’t ready before, right?”

Keiji thinks back, to a talk they had about two months back in the middle of the night. Koutarou was out with his volleyball team, and Keiji and Tetsurou were lying in bed together when Tetsurou said it casually. ‘I just don’t think I’m ready to have sex, yet.’ So, instead of lying, Keiji nodded. “Yeah, he’d said he didn’t think he was ready. But he was drunk, probably less embarrassed to admit it than he is in sober thought. It’s not something you find a lot, now a day. He probably feels dumb for saying it because it isn’t normal.”

Koutarou leans back a bit, his eyes locking into Keiji’s, burning with something Keiji didn’t want to see; sadness. “Has he gone beyond kissing with you? Are you sure it isn’t just me, Keiji?”

“No, he does to me as he does with you; let’s the both of us get cozy, and then I make a move that scares him and he does that thing where he laughs it off.”

“Ugh, that thing,” Koutarou mutters, moving back into Keiji’s side. “It’s so cute but so bad for him.”

Keiji brings his right hand up and starts combing through Koutarou’s loose hair, trying to sooth him a bit. “We’ve just gotta give him time, okay? Maybe try again in a month or so, but until then we don’t do anything but kiss and cuddle okay?”

“Okay,” Koutarou mumbled, cuddling back up to his younger boyfriend.

*****

And so, that’s what they did. Keiji and Koutarou continued to only make out with Tetsurou, bowing out of anything if it got a little too hot for them. They had sex with each other like usual, when Tetsurou was out of the house, and they never really brought up the topic with the elder black haired male around. It was only three weeks after Keiji and Koutarou’s talk that they noticed Tetsurou pulling away all together. Sleeping in their bed less and in the guest room more, spending more time out and at the campus than he did at home, shortening conversations and kissing them less.

It was a spiral in their already fragile relationship, and if Keiji didn’t talk about it with Tetsurou soon, it was going to drive Koutarou into a terrible downswing. So, one night while Koutarou was having dinner with his family, Keiji brought it up.

Tetsurou was home, sitting in the arm chair while Keiji was sprawled out on the couch. Tetsurou seemed less on edge with only Keiji there, which broke the younger male’s heart because what if Koutarou was right and Tetsurou really wasn’t attracted to him? To them? So, Keiji did what he could think of - he’d make Tetsurou comfortable and try to get him to talk.

“Tetsuuu,” he whined, stretching out over the couch. The older male looked over, a smirk crossing his face.

“Since when did you learn to whine, Keiji?”

“Since I’m lonely on this big couch and I want cuddles.” Tetsurou smiled and stood up before flopping onto the couch, his body landing on top of Keiji’s. They cuddled up then, Tetsurou moving to press his back to the back of the couch, Keiji cradled in his arms facing him. “Kiss me?” he asked quietly, and Tetsurou nodded before closing his eyes and kissing Keiji for the first time in days.

It was kinda like water after a drought, as cliche as that sounded, but Keiji was standing by it because it was good, and Keiji just wanted Tetsurou to feel the same. He climbed on top of Tetsurou then, his hands grounding him and his mouth moving in perfect sync with Tetsurou’s. It was perfect, and then Tetsurou was pulling away, an excuse already leaving his mouth. “Keiji, I’ve got a headache, we can do this some other time please, I ju-”

“Tetsurou,” Keiji said quietly, his voice strained because he loved Tetsurou so much and he just wanted to know what was up. “Please, stop with the excuses and just - tell me what’s up. No Koutarou to take everything to heart, no excuses about headaches or being tired or hungry or anything. Just me, and you, and the truth.”

Tetsurou blinked a couple times, tears coming to his eyes, and then he squeezed them shut. “Okay just - just give me a minute? I’ve never said anything about it, so I just need to think really fast.”

“Take your time,” Keiji said, moving so he was sitting beside Tetsurou again instead of on top of him, and then he was running his hand through Tetsurou’s hair to calm him down a bit.

It was a few minutes later that Tetsurou was opening his eyes and mouth again, tears steadily gaining. “Umm, o-okay, so ever since I was a teenager I just, I couldn’t make myself feel anything like that?” One tear dropped from his eye, and then they wouldn’t stop coming. “No matter what I did I couldn’t feel sexually in any way towards anything. I watched porn and could never feel anything and even just thinking about it - it makes me feel gross, I don’t know. I know it sounds stupid, like what the hell does it even mean, not being able to get turned on, but I haven’t ever been able to, no matter what I think of. Even you and Kou. I’m sorry Keiji, I’m so sorry.” He started crying in earnest then, his hands coming up to cover his face, because he felt so broken and he didn’t know what to do.

Keiji, as terrible as it sounded, was relieved to all hell. “Oh Tetsu, you’re fine, you’re not broken,” he mumbled, moving to kneel onto the ground so he could comfort his boyfriend better. He comforted him until he was done crying so hard, and then he was smiling at his boyfriend, wiping his crazy hair out of his face. “Hey, you’re fine, it’s all okay. Just breathe and I’ll tell you what I think is up, okay?”

After a few more minutes of breathing, and then a few more of Keiji telling him to stop apologizing because he wasn’t in the wrong. Once it was quiet except for Tetsurou’s semi deep breathing Keiji spoke. “Have you ever heard the term asexuality?” Tetsurou thought for a moment before shaking his head no, and Keiji nodded, trying to think of the best way to explain it. “Okay, so it’s just another sexuality, but instead of being attracted to the same gender or opposite gender or all genders, you’re just attracted to none. It’s a term to describe somebody that has no sex drive. It goes in deeper than that, obviously, with lots of branches off of it describing all kinds of different types of asexual people, but that’s the premise. What I think you are, is a sex repulsed asexual.”

“Sex repulsed asexual?”

“Yeah - some asexuals still participate in sexual activity because it feels good for them and they would like to do it with their partner even though they don’t feel the need to have sex. Some asexuals aren’t interested in sex at all, and the thought alone is nasty to them. They feel gross even thinking about it, and that’s being sex repulsed. There is nothing wrong with any of it though, okay? And if you decide one day that’s not what you are that’s okay, but right now, I really think that’s what you are.”

“Asexual, huh?” Tetsurou asked, a little breathless.

“Yeah,” Keiji mumbled, his hands running through Tetsurou’s hair still.

“So I’m not broken?” Tetsurou said, his voice breaking because he wasn’t broken after all, and this was even kind of normal.

“Not at all Tetsurou, I promise that Koutarou and I will never think you are broken.” Tetsurou seemed to startle at that sentence, and Keiji was quick to try and calm him again.

“We’ll tell him later, but we’ve gotta tell him soon, okay? We’re all in this relationship together, Tetsurou, and whether you’re a sex-repulsed asexual or not we have to tell Koutarou that this isn’t his fault, okay? This isn’t anybody’s fault and we’ve gotta make sure he knows that.”

“Okay,” Tetsurou mumbled, his heartbeat slowing. It was just Keiji and Koutarou - he could do this. “So later, when he gets home, you’ll help me tell him?”

“Of course,” Keiji said, moving back onto the couch. “I’ll be with you the entire time.”

Tetsurou had visibly relaxed by now, and he was pulling Keiji back into him, not afraid of the closeness now that he’d gotten it off of his chest, now that he knew there was going to be no pressure from Keiji to do anything he wasn’t comfortable doing. “Thank you,” he mumbled into Keiji’s hair, exhaustion taking over now that part of the important conversation was over with. He felt the safest he had in weeks, and it was easy for him to fall into a peaceful slumber.

*****

When he woke up it was because Keiji was moving off of the couch. Tetsurou was stirring within a few seconds, and he was only still again when Keiji kissed his head. “It’s been about an hour - Koutarou called and is on his way home, Do you want to get up and get ready to talk to him while I prepare some tea?”

Tetsurou nodded, even though he wasn’t ready, not at all, and then he was sitting, thinking about everything Keiji had told him. It only took a couple of minutes of thinking for him to reach over, grab his phone, and search up the terms Keiji had told him so he could get a more in depth look at what he was soon about to identify as.

It was a little emotional for him, reading through all kinds of blog entries and posts about people like him, especially when it started hitting him that he wasn’t alone; other people felt like this, other people experienced this, and he wasn’t the only person in the world that didn’t want to have sex with anybody, no matter how much he loved them. It was like mending a small, fractured part of him, but he was still scared because aside from all of the blog entries there were comments from people about asexuality not being real, not being valid, people playing off being afraid or insecure so that they looked special, or something. The negatives of coming out as ace were even worse to read, people talking about how their parents and friends told them it wasn’t real, that they just hadn’t experienced how good sex was and once they did then they would be normal. And, Tetsurou’s biggest nightmare, coming out to your significant other and them leaving you because they couldn’t live without having sex.

Definitely understandable, because it’s a true need that most people have, but it still hurt Tetsurou that these people didn’t feel good enough because they and their significant others needed different things, and what if Koutarou felt that way? Yeah, he had Keiji, but what if he was only in this relationship to have sex with Tetsurou, and now that wasn’t going to happen so he was going to leave it?

All the thinking was starting to hurt Tetsurou’s head, and he could feel tears pricking at his eyes again because he couldn’t stop thinking about all of the bad things that could happen, even if they weren't likely.

“Stop thinking.” Tetsurou looked up to see Keiji, a small smile on his face and a mug of tea in each of his hands, one cup being held out to the panicking boy.

“I feel lost,” Tetsurou admitted, his voice cracking because what a thing for him to feel, when he’s got so much, when he’s got so many people to help lead him. “And I’m so scared Keiji, even though I shouldn’t be.”

Keiji sat down, using his now free hand to grab Tetsurou’s free hand. “It’s normal, to feel like this. You’ve finally got a word to use to express what you’re feeling, and that’s a great feeling, to belong, but it’s also scary, because now you know it’s real. That it’s not just you not being ready.” Tetsurou let out a breath and continuously blinked, trying to will the tears away so that Koutarou didn’t get home to him being a sobbing mess on the couch, but what was his luck, really?

“I’m home!” a voice came immediately following the sound of the door slamming open. Tetsurou jumped, not prepared for the loud noise, and then he was starting to panic again because he hasn’t thought of what to say. Keiji must have been startled too, because he didn’t reply, and then Koutarou was calling out again. “Keiji? Tetsurou? Are you guys asleep?” The last question was almost a whisper, even though it wasn’t likely. It was rather early in the evening still, and though Tetsurou liked to nap quite often he never napped around this time of the day.

Keiji finally regained his voice and managed to answer back. “In the living room, Kou.”

After hearing his shoes fall to the floor they heard him clambering into the living room like a puppy. “Okay, you guys won’t believe it! So, Mei, my older sister, is pregnant! That’s what the dinner was for, she was telling us all about it! I’m gonna be an uncl-” he cut off when he got a good look at Tetsurou’s face, his smile immediately falling. “You’ve been crying, is everything okay?” He let his brain process for just a moment before his eyes were widening and he visibly started to panic. “Oh my gosh, you’re breaking up with us aren’t you?”

“What?” Tetsurou asked, astounded, but Koutarou wasn’t listening.

“I knew it, Keiji, he isn’t interested in me at all. If you want, you can leave me too to be with him, I understand if that-”

“No, stop it, Kou,” Tetsurou said, tears already starting to form in his eyes. “I would never, ever break up with you. I love you - I love you and Keiji so much I promise I’m not gonna leave, not unless you want me to.”

“Why the hell would I want that?” Koutarou asked, brain running through every scenario, his heart racing. It was hard to breathe, and Keiji could tell this was going to go nowhere if they were both freaking out.

“Okay, let’s both calm down for a minute. There is no reason to panic, okay? Koutarou, come sit down on the other side of Tetsurou, and Tetsurou get ready to talk, okay? If you can’t I will for you, but you’ve both gotta calm down first.” Koutarou did as told, going to sit beside Tetsurou, immediately reaching for his boyfriend’s hand. Tetsu easily let their fingers lace together, and they were both relaxing immediately. “By the way, Tetsu,” Keiji said, a blush starting to cover his cheeks, “I love you too.”

“Me too!” Koutarou shouted, afraid of being left behind, not wanting his boyfriends to take this step without him. “I love you too, Tetsu, so much.”

And yeah, Tetsurou was still worried, but he felt his heart warm and he couldn’t hold in a chuckle. “Okay uhh, give me a minute? I’m feeling good, but lemme think for just a minute.”

And they did; Koutarou sat patiently, hands in Tetsurou’s, his bottom lip in between his teeth as he waited, a nervous habit like Tetsurou’s own of playing with his hands or shirt and Keiji’s own of needing to tap whatever was in his hands. It was a long minute or so, and then Tetsurou was looking up, his eyes meeting Koutarou’s.

“Keiji told me about how you guys were feeling - with my avoidance of uhh, sex things,” he started, because he wanted Koutarou to understand this was about all three of them, that he and Keiji didn’t mean to leave him out. “And before you ask, no it’s not you bro - you’re the hottest man around, the only butt I wanna touch beside Keiji’s, and I wouldn’t have joined this relationship if I wasn’t head over heels for you, trust me on that.”

“I trust you,” Kou said, and it was so unbelievably honest, so innocently said that it brought more tears to Tetsurou’s eyes.

“Thank you, Kou,” Tetsurou said, small smile forming on his face. He grew serious again, then, trying to think of how to word this, because it was harder with Kou for some reason - it was harder now that he knew it was actually something. “Like I've told Keiji before, and something I've been trying to not say again because it sounds so, so stupid, is that I'm not ready. And I might not ever be. Again, it's not you! It could never be you or Keiji, you guys are perfect, nothing like this could ever be your fault. If I ever did want to have sex you'd be the first person I want, Kou. I just - I can't. Keiji brought up the term asexual and I, I think that's me. Asexual. I’m asexual.” he said it a few more times, testing it out, tasting the word on his tongue. It felt good, no matter how scary - he belonged with something now. He's asexual.

“Oh my god,” Koutarou said slowly, and Tetsurou was scared because that wasn’t really bad, but it wasn’t good yet either. He felt his heart swell with happiness when Koutarou muttered out his next words. “I’m so happy that you’re asexual, Tetsurou - I was so scared that you just weren’t interested in me, but you’re just not interested in sex and I’m so happy Keiji helped you figure that out.” Tetsurou could tell he wasn’t lying, and he felt the weight lift off his shoulders. “Now Akinori has another person to be asexual with!”

And that floored Tetsurou. “Konoha is asexual?”

Koutarou smiled wide. “He isn’t sex repulsed like you, but he is in fact asexual!”

Tetsurou started crying again, for what felt like the millionth time today, but this time it was because he was happy. “I’m not alone,” he sobbed, and Koutarou’s smile was fading into a look of understanding, his eyes turning to Keiji. Once his youngest boyfriend nodded Koutarou breathed out, pulling Tetsurou into his lap.

“Oh Tetsu - I didn’t know you felt so isolated,” he mumbled, bringing his face closer to Tetsurou’s to smile at him. “Your feelings are so valid, Tetsurou, whether there is a word to describe who you are or not, okay? Never, ever feel like you can’t talk to Keiji and I because we’ll always be here for you and will never judge you for who you are. Asexuality is valid and real and so are you and everything else you feel.”

Tetsurou moved to cry into Koutarou’s neck, his fingers finding purchase in the sweater his boyfriend was wearing. “I love you so much,” he said, his snot and tears wetting the skin of Koutarou’s neck. “You too Keiji - thank you guys, I love you so, so much.”

“We’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Even if you leave us and find somebody else, or you just don't wanna be with us anymore, we will still always be here for you okay? We're bros, always.” And that speech was so lame, was so Koutarou that Tetsurou started laughing and he wasn't sure he could ever stop.

“Bro,” Tetsurou said through his tears, his smile shining through, “that was the most romantic thing you've ever said - I love it.” He then reached to pull Keiji into his own lap, so they were both now on top of Koutarou, and then he was burying his head in Keiji’s neck, concealing his laughs into his boyfriend's skin.

They sat like that for a while, all huddled up together until Koutarou’s legs started to fall asleep, and then they all moved to sitting on the floor, in a circle so they could all be close. “Do you want to tell us what all you're comfortable with now, or later? Because I really want to kiss you, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable.” Koutarou asked, always thinking ahead, always asking before he makes a move.

“You can kiss me anytime-” Tetsurou didn't even get to breathe after saying that sentence - Koutarou was on him immediately, tipping him back a bit to get a better angle to kiss him from. After their kiss was over Keiji turned Tetsurou’s head so he could kiss him, and then he planted one on Koutarou for good measure. “That you can do literally any time,” he repeated, a little out of breath. “Butt touching is cool too, and so are hickeys and kissing, and cuddles are also always cool obviously.” Tetsurou stopped for a minute, and once he found a better way to word it he reworded it. “Just nothing with dicks involved, really.”

“Keiji will be the only one to touch my dick ever, and the only dick I touch will be his,” Koutarou swore, right hand up in the air like a boy scout making a promise. “And if you ever, ever want to try anything, although it is unlikely, tell us, okay? We will help you with whatever you want, and if you never want to ever try anything that is okay too - cuddles and hugs and kisses are just as nice as sex.”

“Romantic intimacy is just as important as sexual intimacy, so if you're ever feeling neglected let us know too, okay? And if you ever feel broken or invalid remember that you aren't, and that we love you just the way you are - just tell us everything all the time in terms of how you feel with your sexuality,” Keiji added, his eyes serious as he looked at Tetsurou.

Tetsurou laughed loudly, his nose scrunching up and his eyes closing. He was almost to tears with how happy he was, and it felt amazing. “I'm so happy right now,” he admitted, opening his eyes to see his partners. “I haven't been this happy, this sure in a long time.”

“Me too,” Keiji agreed, his small, beautiful smile gracing his features.

“Me three!” Koutarou exclaimed, his smile the widest it had been all night. “With you guys with me I'll be this happy forever, no matter what we face,” Koutarou, ever the cheesy one, said, his eyes crinkled around the edges with his smile.

Tetsurou’s gaze met Keiji’s and they both nodded - they couldn't agree more.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading, and I hope you like it! If anyone has any suggestions, let me know them - I could use some motivation. 
> 
> Hit me on Tumblr @tetskuroos


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